Changing My Name After Divorce – And What It Brought Up as a Mother

On making big decisions – and talking to our kids about them

Have you ever made a decision that felt completely right for you – and still worried how it would land with your kids? Have you maybe hesitated to follow through on something out of fear of their reaction?

That’s where I found myself recently.

I made a decision for myself. It was huge on the one hand – and on the other, strangely underwhelming and simple.

I changed my surname.

Not to something new, but back to the old. The name I was born with. The name I grew up with. I’m back to being Michelle Clare – as I was for the first 29 years of my life.

It was something I’d thought about for a long time. And now that I’ve done it, it feels good. I keep telling people it’s like putting on an old cardigan I haven’t worn for years. It still fits and it's super comfy. Most of all, it feels like coming home to myself.

And yet, the decision to actually go through with it wasn’t easy. I pushed it aside so many times.

First, there was the admin. The thought of all the paperwork made my hair curl. OK, it’s already curly – but you know what I mean. Website, socials, email accounts… everything would need updating.

My biggest fear

But the part that weighed on me most was something else – switching to a different surname than my children. And explaining it to them.

Plenty of parents have different surnames to their children. For many families, it’s simply how it has always been. The kids grow up with it and it’s normal.

In our case, though, my boys and I had shared a surname for their entire lives. It felt like part of our family identity – a symbolic tie between us as mother and sons. Even though, of course, what truly binds us runs much deeper.

They had already experienced a major shift five years ago when their father and I separated. We did everything we could to make that transition as gentle as possible on them. We've kept their needs front and centre. We maintain a good co-parenting relationship. We live close by, so their lives, schooling and sports were never disrupted. We still celebrate important moments together. They are well-rounded, connected teens and our set-up works well to this day.

And still – that separation marked a clear “before and after” in their world.

So here I was again, initiating a change. Even if it seemed small on paper, it was still symbolic.

And of course it landed emotionally.

The conversation

At first, they seemed a little thrown – a bit sad, a bit disappointed, and at the same time understanding. Even encouraging.

Because Clare is so familiar to them, connecting them to their extended family in Australia. It was the surname of their beloved Pa – my father – who passed away five years ago.

So, even though it was tricky, my decision opened up a lot of honest conversations.

We spoke about identity. About how much we attach ourselves to a name – and how much those letters really mean. About legacy. About what it means to “pass something on.” About whether a name is history, ego, belonging – or all of it at once.

And yes, it also touched on questions around the separation. Not in an awkward way but in a thoughtful one.

What really mattered

At the end of the day, what mattered most was this: We talked.

My boys told me what they really thought. What they really felt. Even when it wasn’t all enthusiasm and celebration.

They felt safe enough to express themselves honestly.

And that is all that really matters.

Gratitude for Conscious Parenting

This is what Conscious Parenting has taught me.

We cannot always make our children happy. They won’t always agree with our choices. They may react in ways we don’t like. We may feel uncomfortable with them not being comfortable.

But we can stay present.

We can make space for their big and complex feelings without rushing to fix them.

Not every decision we make should revolve around pleasing our kids. In fact, part of our role is to model what it looks like to live authentically – to align our outer life with our inner truth.

We don’t need to overexplain. We don’t need to justify endlessly. We don’t need to talk them into agreement.

What matters far more is that we listen. That we validate.

Because when children feel seen, heard and understood, we create connection – even when circumstances change.

And when that connection is strong, it truly doesn’t matter whether we share a surname. We are connected through the heart.

So perhaps this is something to reflect on:

Where might you be avoiding a conversation with your child because you’re afraid of their reaction?

What truth are you softening too much in order to keep the peace?

If this is something you’re navigating in your own family right now – conversations around separation, identity, or difficult transitions with your children – this is exactly the kind of work I support parents with.

Book a free discovery call and let's chat.

Warmest,

Michelle

Michelle Clare is a conscious parenting and relationship coach based in Munich. She supports parents, couples, and individuals in understanding how stress, fear, and early childhood experiences shape their reactions and relationships — and in finding more calm, connection, and presence in everyday life. Michelle works online and in person in Munich.

Book your free call here: Free discovery session - Michelle Clare